Parenting is often described as the most rewarding and challenging job we will ever undertake. Children, too, face their own set of challenges, especially during emotionally difficult times.
So, how can parents help their children manage feelings of anger, sadness, or anxiety caused by school, siblings, and daily life? Whether you have an elementary-age child, a tween aged 8 to 12, or a teenager, mastering two key skills can make a significant difference: validation and coping.
Practicing Validation
Validation is about teaching your children that it’s okay to feel and express their emotions.
“When parents validate, they are telling their child that it’s fine to have emotions and they shouldn’t be suppressed,” explains Dr. Chase Samsel from the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Harvard-affiliated Boston Children’s Hospital. “It shows them you understand their feelings and perspective, building trust. This, in turn, can help a child feel supported and more willing to discuss solutions.”
Start with Acknowledgment
Begin by acknowledging their emotions with comments like, “It sounds like you are frustrated or angry,” or “I can see that you’ve had a tough day at school.”
But how do you identify which emotion — or emotions — your child is feeling? “It can be challenging for parents to recognize the genuine emotion their child is experiencing,” says Dr. Samsel. “Often, kids have an emotional reaction but can’t explain it, don’t want to, or express multiple emotions simultaneously.”
Sometimes, underlying emotions are masked by the one being displayed. This is particularly common in teenagers, who might show anger while actually feeling fear, anxiety, or sadness. “In such cases, simply acknowledging they are going through something difficult is sufficient,” says Dr. Samsel.
Practice Validation Regularly
A child might not respond to validation immediately — they may not want to talk about their feelings or might ignore your interest. However, consistent validation will eventually yield positive results.
“By repeatedly validating during emotional crises, the child will gradually become more comfortable expressing their emotions,” says Dr. Samsel. “Once they realize their parents welcome this and they won’t be reprimanded, they’ll be more open to sharing details.”
Building a Coping Skills Toolbox
Coping skills are techniques parents can teach their children to manage emotional challenges as they arise.
Try a Breathing Exercise Together
Breathing exercises are popular because they are easy to learn and quick to use. Dr. Samsel suggests three-part breathing, ujjayi breathing, and belly breathing as effective techniques.
Other coping strategies include guided meditation, visualization, squeezing a stress ball, taking a walk or playing outside, and reading together (especially for preschool and elementary-age children).
“Sometimes, simply giving children alone time in their room or ‘taking space’ works well,” says Dr. Samsel.
Use Coping Skills Yourself
It’s also important for parents to adopt these strategies for managing their own emotions, says Dr. Samsel. This not only helps you stay calm but also models for your children that coping skills are beneficial for everyone — adults included!
For example, try telling your kids when you feel upset or frustrated about something that happened during your day. Announce that you plan to take a walk to de-stress or do a breathing exercise. Later, share your problem-solving strategies.
“Kids observe their parents’ behavior and often mimic it,” says Dr. Samsel. “If they see you handling your emotions constructively, they will be more inclined to do the same.”
Be Flexible
Avoid insisting that older kids use a coping mechanism, even when situations seem to demand it. This can feel like punishment and trigger resistance.
Instead, Dr. Samsel recommends that parents expose their children to various coping skills and allow them to choose which ones they want to try. “They may need to experiment to find techniques they can easily follow and that work for them,” he says.